“The Lord put it on my heart to talk to you”—“I did not hear back from that employer, God must not want me to have that job”—“That conversation went really well, God must have blessed it.”
Some people build their entire lives around statements such as these. Others think they should read God’s will into everything in their lives. For example, a man of this mindset has a flat tire during his commute to work. Afterward, he decides it was God’s will and tries to find the “hidden purpose” behind the event—when, in actuality, the man simply neglected to check the air pressure in his tires!
Should God be involved in where we plant a flower garden? Does He have an opinion on which auto mechanic we use for repairs? Is He directly involved in how we organize our home libraries? Or which pair of shoes we buy?
By using a number of verses in the Bible, we can begin to understand God’s role in our lives. The book of Colossians states, “He is before all things, and by Him all things consist” (1:17). In Hebrews 1:3, we find that He is “upholding all things by the word of His power.” God holds the universe together! Through the power of His Spirit, He makes certain that the laws of science are in motion—even keeping atoms from coming apart.
Without God, all physical life would cease. Realize what this means: each breath you take is only possible because the Creator is in control.
He also guides major events on Earth according to the Master Plan for mankind. Notice Daniel 2:21: “And He changes the times and the seasons: He removes kings, and sets up kings: He gives wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know understanding.”
God is certainly involved in the affairs of men, and especially His people. Yet thinking He orchestratesevery event in our lives is dangerous—and stems from an incorrect understanding of how God individually works with us.
The Smallest Matters
Jesus asked His disciples, “Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? And one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father [knowing]. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear you not therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows” (Matt. 10:29-31).
If God keeps up with every sparrow, consider how much more attention He gives His people: “For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward Him” (II Chron. 16:9).
In addition, “The Eternal looks from heaven, beholding all mankind; from where He sits, He scans all who inhabit the world; He who alone made their minds, He notes all they do” (Psa. 33:15, Moffatt translation).
God is both all-powerful and all-knowing, and guides how events play out on Earth. Yet how much is He directly involved in individual lives?
Each of us is a free moral agent, meaning we are free to make decisions in our lives. God has invested in Christians by giving them an earnest, or down payment, of His Holy Spirit (II Cor. 1:22). He watches all we do to see what kind of “return” He will get on His investment—how much we are growing and overcoming.
This is where the towering law of cause and effect comes into play. As human beings, and especially as God’s people, we are to be responsible and circumspect, and exercise thought when making decisions.
Proverbs describes this principle: “He that handles a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusts in the LORD, happy is he” (16:20). A variation of this verse could be rendered this way, “He that handles a matter unwisely shall find bad”—meaning he will be forced to suffer the consequences of his actions. Good choices—causes—will render good effects. Bad choices, bad effects.
Throughout the day, you have hundreds of decisions that are yours to make—each an opportunity to grow in godly maturity, experience and wisdom. Note I Corinthians 6:2: “Do you not know that the saints shall judge the world? And if the world shall be judged by you, are you unworthy to judge the smallest matters?”
While God is watching what you do, He will not directly interfere with the day-to-day routine of your life unless necessary. If we are sick, He will heal us on His timetable. If our lives are in peril, He will protect us through His angels. If we have a need, He will provide. But throughout all of these, we must do our part. We must maintain our health, not tempt God by putting ourselves in dangerous situations, and put forth maximum effort in all we do.
We should ask God to lead, guide and direct us throughout our lives. In order to gain more wisdom in how “to judge the smallest matters,” we must go to the source of wisdom—God.
What About Resistance?
When making important decisions, such as buying a home, a car, or seeking a job, we should always ask for God’s involvement and guidance.
Again, He does not plot every move in our lives. He allows us to make judgments and decisions on our own. The choices we make can change our circumstances and future. God will not always step in and cause us to make a different choice. He especially does not get directly involved in everyday, mundane decisions we make, such as the exact time we go to bed or what time we get up.
God does expect us, however, to be responsible and do our part. For example, if someone contacts a mortgage company when wanting to purchase a home and finds that they are unqualified for a loan, should this person give up? Should he conclude that God does not want him to buy a house?
The same conditions exist for any similar situation. Should a person give up trying to buy a car simply because the first dealership rejected his application?
Certainly not. He should go to a number of dealerships in search of one who will finance a vehicle.
Cause and effect are at work in such situations. There could be a problem with the person’s credit, something that he would need to correct before any dealership would sell him a car. At that point, it is his responsibility to correct that issue and begin trying again.
If a person is looking for a job, should he quit looking after the first several rejections? Of course not! He should continue for as long as it takes, applying both perseverance and resourcefulness.
How can we build character if we do not put forth maximum effort in all we do?
If we encounter resistance in any given situation, it does not necessarily mean God is saying, “No.” Life is a series of challenges that we must overcome. We are in a lifetime of training and enduring for a greater purpose. We should be overcoming these problematic situations that occur in our lives every day.
It is unnecessary to overanalyze every situation and confrontation we encounter by asking: “Is this God’s will?” “Is this from God?” Instead, we should simply ask in faith for God’s overall guidance, and know that He will deliver.
Notice Luke 11: “And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asks receives; and he that seeks finds; and to him that knocks it shall be opened” (vs. 9-10).
Stay in contact with God, maintain a humble attitude, and He will respond to your needs.
While seeking to do God’s will in everything, some fall into the trap of mentioning God or Jesus in virtually every sentence of their conversations. Others seem to be always saying “God willing” after every sentence: “I am going to the store later, God willing.” “We should sit down and have a cup of coffee sometime, God willing.” Or “God willing, I am going to put up a new deck in the spring.”
At their core, these actions are a form of self-righteousness and vanity. While such people think they are being humble by always involving God in their lives, they are actually drawing attention to their own “righteousness.”
This thinking breaks the Third Commandment: “You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that takes His name in vain” (Ex. 20:7).
One of the definitions of vain is “to no useful purpose.” When God’s name is constantly used in casual conversation, it is being taken in vain.
The person who constantly mentions God in conversation is in effect saying, “See how godly I am?” or “See how religious I am?” By attempting to include God in everything he does, such a person is actuallydiminishing God’s role in events.
These attitudes stem from the fact that human nature is given to extremes. If a Christian is not circumspect, he can take things too far and “go overboard.” While we should seek God’s will and talk to brethren about spiritual matters, we must be careful not to go too far.
Christians are to let their moderation be known to all men (Phil. 4:5). God wants us to be balanced in our thinking. We should never be seen as odd, weird, strange or syrupy—since this is how manmade religions look.
We should reflect a sound, balanced way of thinking in all we say and do: “For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (II Tim. 1:7).
Time and Chance
There is another element at work in our lives, which Ecclesiastes 9:11 sums up as “time and chance.” While many of our problems, whether small or great, are caused by our weaknesses or irresponsibility, other mishaps and bad events can occur due to no fault of our own.
Under such circumstances, many people will immediately peg the blame on Satan, not realizing it was mere “time and chance.” Influenced by human nature, people love to blame bad things that happen, or even sinful actions, on what they deem as Satan’s direct involvement.
Just as God does not orchestrate every event in our lives, Satan is not behind every bad occurrence.
Consider. Would we conclude that if a person slips and injures himself tripping on a toy his child left on the floor that Satan is behind the event? No!
In the same way, we cannot blame the devil for situations we bring upon ourselves, or mere time and chance. While Satan fulfills the role of “tempter” (Matt. 4:3), God has limited him so he cannot force us to sin. Rather, the devil relies on situations, circumstances and human nature to tempt people to sin. He may cause circumstances or situations to lead us to compromise our beliefs, but the choice to sin or not to sin is ours alone.
Avoid the dangerous thinking of blaming Satan after a sin is committed. When people make Satan out to be the “bad guy” when they sinned, they are no longer growing and overcoming. Instead, they have taken on the childish attitude of “the devil made me do it”—in an attempt to deflect blame from themselves.
This excuse is as old as the Garden of Eden, when Eve said, “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat” (Gen. 3:13). Yet it was Eve’s decision to make, and the consequences (vs. 16) fell on her, not just Satan!
On the contrary, we are to be sober and vigilant because Satan is like a roaring lion, walking about seeking whom he may devour (I Pet. 5:8). He is constantly looking for weaknesses in our character, andwill take advantage of those flaws through temptation or deceit.
Yet God promises He will never leave or forsake us (Heb. 13:5). If we allow God to fight our battles and deal with the problems we encounter each day, we will not have to fear Satan’s snares, as they will have no power over us.
In the end, Satan will interfere in our lives only to the extent we allow—and that God allows (Job 1:12,2:6). We can unknowingly nurture Satan’s involvement by failing to resist him in actions and thoughts. This is done through pride, vanity, rebellion and disobedience. Instead, “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (Jms. 4:7).
You can resist the devil by obeying God, submitting to His laws and government, and asking Him for help every day in prayer.
We should not place too much emphasis on Satan’s influence in our lives, especially in every small thing that seems bad or wrong. At the same time, we should certainly be aware of his tactics. Our main focus should be on matching the attitude found in Psalm 119: “O how love I Your law! It is my meditation all the day” (vs. 97).
Our thoughts should be centered on God and the Work He is doing—not on the devil.
Seeing God’s Power
God cares about everything that happens to us. He is concerned about every problem we have to confront, whether small or great. No problem is too small or too big for Him. We do not have to face any problem alone. “Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivers him out of them all” (Psa. 34:19).
God also commands us to cast our cares upon Him (I Pet. 5:7). His power is available to us whenever we need it. It is by His power our prayers are answered, but we must do our part to seek wisdom and counsel, as well as implement the seven laws of success in our lives. You may want to review our booklet The Laws to Success.
While God does not orchestrate each and every event in our lives, He does want to be involved in all we do. We should not “see God” in everything, but we should see God’s power at work as we grow and overcome in this life.
Take advantage of the great privilege offered to those begotten by God to be a part of His Family. Share every aspect of your life with God, and you will see His mighty power. You will experience what moved David to say, “O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt His name together. I sought the LORD, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusts in Him” (Psa. 34:3-4, 8).
When you do your part, God allows you to tap into His infinite power and wisdom, which then helps you make decisions—large and small. “Great is our LORD, and of great power: His understanding is infinite” (Psa. 147:5).
Treat each day as a training ground as you qualify to rule in God’s soon-coming kingdom. Consider this awesome fact as you make decisions and judgments each day. If you do, you will properly SEE God working in your life!
No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself or get all the credit for doing it.
Becoming a leader was a great challenge for me. My first responsibility as a leader was as class president. My second was fatherhood, my third was team leader on several campaigns abroad while serving my country. I was blessed to have been raised by a leader in my home. LT. Cornell Johnny Pratt United States Army. Under his grooming I found excuses to rebel. It was uncomfortable learning how to follow not knowing in doing so I was being prepared for great responsibility.
“There’s an ego looking for a place to inflate,” my mom would whisper to me as my siblings entered the room, a prophecy that unfortunately soon proved itself to be true. “The long, dark corridor of life narrows at the end./ And those whose ego grow too tall will have to learn to bend.” I miss my mom who ultimately was the stronger vessel in our home due to all the humility she showed while ministering her faith in Christ to a Islamic domineered home.
I. A place of leadership is a place of honor
Imagine the honor of it. From what may have been two million people 12 men were chosen. One dozen, from two million. Surely, the crowd roared for each name called, the way sports fans cheer for their heroes, the way political rallies yell the name of their candidate. They had a cheering base of more than 150,000 to a man, and the sound must have thundered across the valley.
Moses called them, one by one. Shammua, Shaphat, Caleb, Igal, Hoshea (or Joshua), Palti, Gaddiel, Gaddi, Ammiel, Sethur, Nahbi, Geuel!
Their heads held high, these 12 men chosen as leaders for God’s people, were honored for a lifetime of work, a lifetime of integrity, and a lifetime of courage. The applause must have been sweet to many of them, if not every one of them.
We already know the rest of the story, how 10 out of the 12 would fail miserably in their leadership role. Only Caleb and Joshua would lead with courage and God-led conviction. Before we get to the failures of the 10, however, focus on the truth of the honor. It is a great honor to be chosen as a leader among God’s people.
When Paul briefed Timothy about the qualifications of deacons, he said – If a man serves well as a deacon, he earns an “excellent standing.” (1Timothy 3:13) The phrase for “excellent standing” means, “A step above.” The leader, who would be a deacon or a pastor in a church, is not exalted over the Christians he serves. Instead, he is simply pulled out of the group, like these 12 leaders in the wilderness, and placed in the spotlight. He is given a small step stool so all who are near can see his example. It is as if God says of this leader: “Here’s the example of what it means to be a Christian. Here’s one we will use as a model.”
There is great honor in being selected as a model for God’s people. The danger arrives when a leader wants all of the honor, without taking all of the responsibility.
II. A place of leadership is a place of great responsibility
This is the cost of leadership. This is where the great leaders earn their place in history.
For the generation of God’s people on the edge of the Promised Land, there was never a bigger crisis of leadership than when their 12 leaders were given the responsibility of spying out the land. They were to seek out the land, come back with the reports, and then issue the challenge of faith to all the people. Two would be up to the challenge, but 10 would wilt under the heavy load of responsibility.
Be careful to note this: All 12 of these leaders were courageous, and all 12 took courageous action in the beginning. They slipped into the land of the enemy, managed to live for some time in a dangerous place, and they even stole some prime produce from land owners who were surely protecting their crops. All 12 came home safely, and the entire dozen completed the first portion of the task given them. They had been good spies and had full reports of what they had seen.
However, the responsibility of this group was not simply to spy out the land. They were not chosen to be geologists, real estate agents, or agricultural surveyors. They were chosen to be leaders of God’s people, charged with giving God’s people God’s message. Whatever godly leaders are charged to do, eventually their responsibility is to be faith-driven leaders.
That’s where this group failed. Instead of reporting faith, ten of these leaders would eventually report of the fear they felt. Only two gave the challenge of moving forward in faith. When the people sided with fear instead of faith, their opportunity to live inside the Promised Land vanished.
A place of leadership is a place of tremendous responsibility, for a leader’s faith is on public display. The responsibility of a leader to live in that faith is a great weight.
III. An effective leader does not let problems stop the promise
When the people listened to the ten frightened spies who made a case for fear, instead of the two leaders calling them toward faith, God wanted to destroy them all. Had God done so, the entire exodus from Egypt would have been wasted. The promise of the Promised Land would be delayed by centuries. The nation of God’s people would be destroyed, and God’s reputation, therefore, would be greatly damaged. This was no small problem.
Moses made his best case before God, desperately trying to ward off a deadly, righteous anger.
Amazingly, God relented. Instead of destroying the nation, God only destroyed a generation. Forty years later, Joshua and Caleb would lead the children and grandchildren of this experience into the Promised Land. They would do so only because Moses did his best to not let a problem stop the promise.
If you’re going to lead, you’d better comprehend the truth. There will always be problems along the way. The problems come, and the problems go. Moses might put it this way: Today they complain about manna, tomorrow they’ll complain about quail. One day it’s a problem of thirst, the next it’s a problem of idolatry.
Leaders learn that problems look very large in the present, and very small from the distance. Effective leaders simply refuse to let something that looks so large block out the big picture. If Moses had forgotten the priceless value of God’s promise, his people would have died in the dessert. An effective leader simply cannot let a temporary problem – no matter how large – block the promise of the goal.
Colonel George Washington Goethals, the man responsible for the completion of the Panama Canal, had stifling problems with the climate and the geography of Central America. Driving rains, incredible heat, and deadly disease were problems that never left his task. But his biggest challenge was the growing criticism back home from those who predicted he’d never finish the project. The voices of the critics appeared to be the biggest problem of all.
Finally, a colleague asked him, “Aren’t you going to answer these critics?”
“In time,” answered Geothals.
“When?” his partner asked.
“When the canal is finished.”
IV. The most important quality a leader must have is faith
Moses was humble, he was compassionate, he was consistent. But most of all, he was a man of great faith. The writer of Hebrews said the greatest mark of Moses was that he believed God, and that he led God’s people by faith. History’s summary of this great leader’s life was that he was a man of faith. (see Hebrews 11:23-29)
Moses had been a consistent man of faith among a people who had been consistently faithless. When God listed his complaints about the people, He said they had tested him ten times (see Numbers 14:22). How could people who had escaped Egypt, walked safely across the dry floor of the Red Sea, and eaten miraculous food doubt that God was with them? Had they not seen the Tabernacle, and the fire that glowed over it at night? Could they not remember the plagues that struck Egypt at Moses’ command?
Don’t be too hard on the people surrounding Moses. The disciples of Jesus had trouble walking across the bridge of faith, even after the Resurrection!
The followers around Jesus who were about to see the Lord ascend into heaven had seen the healing of countless sick people, the restoring of sight to the blind, and the raising of the dead. They had seen the crucifixion and the resurrection, and had reflected on the prophecy concerning the Messiah for more than a month. They had been with their resurrected Lord on multiple occasions, and could see him at that very moment. But just before Jesus gave his last instructions, Matthew records these words:
“The 11 disciples traveled to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had directed them. When they saw Him, they worshiped, but some doubted.” Matt 28:16-17 (HCSB) It seems unbelievable. How could they see all that they had seen, and still doubt the power of God?
The end truth is that faith is a tough quality to have, and that if a person is going to lead God’s people, he or she simply cannot lead without faith. You must believe, without doubting. You must be able to believe, and then act confidently upon those beliefs. Perhaps that is why Jesus looked at those struggling, doubting disciples, and then simply said … “Now, go into all the world …” Jesus called his leaders to a faith-based action, just as he does today. You may still have some doubts, but the instruction still comes, loud and clear: “Go!”
What a gift God has given us in the stories of the Bible. While we might be squarely in the middle of a crisis, a problem, or a great challenge, the record of God’s people before us reminds us of the course of action we must take, and of the great reward for the leader who holds fast to the challenge of faith.
When God issued his judgment against the people, he also issued his rewards:
Joshua had the privilege of leading a new generation across the Jordan River, through the crumbling walls of Jericho, and into the Promised Land. Caleb lived a long, vibrant life, and saw the passion of his faith greatly rewarded. Both men outlived every grumbler, complainer, and naysayer around them. They became the only two names we remember from the original 12 leaders who spied out the land. The rewards of leadership are priceless.
Question: “Why did Jesus ask Peter ‘Do you love me?’ three times?”
Answer: Jesus asked Peter three times,“Do you love me?” as recorded in John 21:15–17. This occurred when Jesus was having breakfast with His disciples soon after His resurrection. Jesus used this opportunity to encourage and exhort Peter about his upcoming responsibilities and even to prophesy the manner in which Peter will die. By asking Peter, “Do you love me?” three times, Jesus was emphasizing the importance of Peter’s love and unswerving obedience to his Lord as necessary for his future ministry.
Jesus begins by questioning Peter about His love for Him, and each time Peter answers in the affirmative, Jesus follows up with the command for Peter to feed His sheep. His meaning is that, if Peter truly loves his Master, he is to shepherd and care for those who belong to Christ. His words reveal Peter’s role as the leader of the new Church, the Body of Christ there in Jerusalem that will be responsible for spreading the gospel after Jesus’ ascension into heaven.
It is possible that by His repeated question Jesus is subtly reminding Peter of his three denials. There’s no doubt those denials and how he felt when Jesus turned to look at him at that moment were seared deeply into Peter’s mind (Luke 22:54–62). It wasn’t lost on Peter that Jesus repeated His question to him three times, just as Peter previously denied Him three times.
There is also an interesting contrast when you look at the Greek words for “love” used in John 21:15–17. When Jesus asked Peter, “Do you love me?” in John 21:15–16, He used the Greek word agape, which refers to unconditional love. Both times, Peter responded with “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you,” using the Greek word phileo, which refers more to a brotherly/friendship type of love. It seems that Jesus is trying to get Peter to understand that he must love Jesus unconditionally in order to be the leader God is calling him to be. The third time Jesus asks, “Do you love me?” in John 21:17, He uses the word phileo, and Peter again responds with “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you,” again using phileo. The point in the different Greek words for “love” seems to be that Jesus was stretching Peter to move him from phileo love to agape love.
Whatever the reason for the three-fold “do you love me?” question, Jesus was impressing on Peter how important his new role of tending the flock of Christ’s followers would be. When someone repeats instructions to us over and over, we quickly understand that it’s extremely important for us to heed them. Jesus wanted to make sure Peter understood this vital charge He was tasking him with and the ultimate reason for it, to follow Him and glorify God (John 21:19).
My wife and I were in a pickle two years ago, in a very negative environment and it was very toxic. Our number one goal was to get out of that mind-set and place. We are now ready to heal and get on with our life, to start anew. Yet there are no positives just yet to build on. It takes tenacity and strength to move past a negative stage in life, and we’ve successfully done so. And we are very proud about ourselves.
Where does one begin with nothing at all? A common question many of us ask ourselves is this – How do I get from where I am to where I want to be if there is nothing to build on in the first place?
For example, you want to start a business, but you have no experience in business development. You want to shift to a different career field, but you don’t have knowledge in the area. You want to be the top in what you do but you have no know-how. You want to let go of your past and start on a new journey, but there is nothing for you to start off with. It’s like a catch 22 situation. Like a potter who needs his tools and clay, you can’t create something if there is nothing. And if you can’t create something, you can’t get anything.
Everyone Starts From Nothing
The first thing I want to point out is that everyone starts from nothing. Rich people, poor people, successful people, non-successful people, top achievers, non-achievers – all these people start from a place where they had nothing. Forget about family background, because these aren’t determinants of success – there are as many successful people in this world from poor families as there are from rich families. Let’s focus on one’s personal achievements and knowledge, because these are arguably what one uses to build future success. Let’s take a look at Phillip Buchanon.
Phillip Buchanon is sharing what it’s truly like to become rich — and targeted — in the NFL.
I don’t want to do anything and everything. I want to be a brand that, every time I leverage my name, I want people to feel sure that it’s going to be something good – so whether it be my movies, my perfume, my restaurant, my musical, it’ll be good work, good food and good everything.
Buchanon, a former first-round NFL Draft pick of the Oakland Raiders, played nine years in the NFL and experienced it all; family turning on him, friends stealing from him, and even a robbery that nearly took his life.
But Buchanon survived, and decided that he wants to help the next NFL rookies, who will hopefully avoid all the pitfalls.
This week, Buchanon released his first book, “New Money: Staying Rich“, an in-depth, and at times very scary account of what it’s like to be a professional athlete. Buchanon discusses everything that comes with life in the NFL, and most importantly, what it’s like dealing with the pressures of family members and friends who think that just because you made it big, they did, too.
“When I got to the NFL, I was all dollars and no sense,” “I want to make sure the next generation of athletes doesn’t make the same mistakes.”
The book is the latest venture for Buchanon, who also wrote a comic book on the same subject, and who is continuing to do whatever he can to educate a younger generation. As a matter of fact, he thinks more people in similar situations should also write books.
“I encourage everyone to do stuff like this,” he said. “More people who’ve had success in all fields should be writing these kinds of books.”
Here is Buchanon, discussing how his relationship changed with his mother, once he made it big:
Soon after the draft, she told me that I owed her a million dollars for raising me for the past 18 years. Well, that was news to me. If my mother taught me anything, it’s that this is the most desperate demand that a parent can make on a child. The covenant of having a child is simply that you give your child everything possible, and they owe you nothing beyond a normal amount of love and respect. There is no financial arrangement. If you get old and infirm, and your kids are around to help you out at that point, then you’re lucky. It’s not written in the social contract. The mothers and fathers of the world have been rearing their kids for generations — in every culture imaginable — and it’s a one-way street when it comes to money. If they pay you back someday, and you really are going through hard times, then that’s just a bonus, a gratuity for being a great mother or father.
My mother had said my debt to her was a million dollars before, but this time she was more serious than ever. If you do the math, one million dollars divided by 18 years of raising me was approximately $55,555.55 a year in restitution. Except, at age 17 I decided to move out of my mom’s house, choosing to live with a close friend and his father because I no longer felt secure in my own home. Why, you ask? Because my mother let people come in and out of our house and take what they wanted. So technically, even if we went by her logic, I only owed her $944,444.44 for her services over 17 years.
Is it petty that I’m knocking a year off her calculation? The fact that I have written this paragraph enrages me, merely because I’m entertaining the thought that her argument had any logic at all. Maybe if I had become super rich, I could have written the check and been done with it. But, like blackmail, there is never any end, is there?
Please do not think I’m being ungrateful or cheap. I had already followed the unwritten rule of any NFL New Money Millionaire: I bought my mother a house. I also advised her to sell the old one I grew up in when I put a new roof over her head, but my mother had other plans. Instead of selling my childhood home, she decided to rent it to my aunt. So I had to finance my mother, the budding landlord. Only this wasn’t an investment. It was an encumbrance, because I didn’t share in my mother’s profit-making scheme. For the next seven years, I continued to make mortgage and maintenance payments on both homes.
I learned from this expensive lesson that big-ticket purchases for family members, such as houses and cars, should be evaluated with the following questions in mind: If you were unable to make payments for these purchases, would that particular family member be able to make the payments? Twenty years from now, who will be paying the upkeep on the house? You or your family member?
hen there’s the respect part of the equation. Are these family members respecting the gifts you give? For years, my mother left the lights on in the house without a thought as to how much I paid for electricity. This is a corollary of an old cliche that I’ve heard many times, that your kids won’t turn out the lights when leaving a room until they grow up and have to pay their own utility bills. It used to refer to kids, but in my case it fit right in as applicable to my family of Adult Abusers.
Anger built up inside me as my mother collected rent from our old house and never offered a cent to offset the expenses. It got to a point that I had to kick her boyfriend out. She accused me of messing up her life. What she didn’t see was that her boyfriend was pimping her and me out. He wasn’t bringing anything to the table, just taking.
When I told my mother she would have to take care of the maintenance after I paid off the mortgage on her house, she told me she would not be able to afford the upkeep on a house that big. In fact, she made it seem like it was my fault for picking out a house that big. In part, she was right. I bought her a house with my luxury taste and no real wisdom behind it. It was an uneducated purchase. Many NFL players choose a wiser route: they buy a reasonably sized home, pay for it in cash, keep it in their name, but gift it to their mother.
I tried giving my mother that option the second time around. I offered to buy her a comfortable house in my name for her to live in. This way she wouldn’t have to take out any loans or put my little sister and brothers in a situation where the roof over their heads could be taken away. She’d move out of the house that was too big for her and into this new one. Instead, she opted for $15,000 cash. She told me that if the new house didn’t have space for two living room sets, she didn’t want it.
Here’s what she really meant: She did not want to be embarrassed by downsizing from the home I’d originally bought for her. She was stubborn (a trait I get from her) and decided to take the cash despite my advice. I told her that if I gave her the $15,000, not to come calling when she got into trouble. Needless to say, she ended up calling. And, what’s worse, she lost the house.
I found it ironic that my mother thought she could manage my finances better than I could, yet she could not provide proof of making any money from the schemes she had set up. One day I let my anger get the better of me and asked her, “If you’re so smart, why haven’t you put together a plan to make money off of the money that you are saving from the expenses you aren’t paying?” The year I became a New Money Millionaire, I took every expense off of her hands except for food and fun money. This led her to challenge me to a money-making contest. “Oh, so you think you Phillip f*****g Buchanon? Since you think you’re smarter than your mother, we’re going to have a competition,” she said. “You give me a certain amount of money and you budget yourself a certain amount, and we will see who makes the most money from it.” I laughed, giving her credit for another attempt (a creative one at that), but she tried to fool me again. She even played upon my weaknesses because she knew that I rarely turned down a competition. Of course, I never went for this little scheme because I knew there was no way I could win. My mother would never win either because she’d simply go through the cash in a hurry. Then she’d need another clever idea to get another check. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again.
I eventually learned how to deal with the numerous “family emergencies.” Early on, I found myself in too many situations where some relative would come to me and claim they needed something fixed. So I’d write them a check; of course, the problem never got fixed. The check, however, always got cashed. By trying to fix a problem, I created an additional one for myself.
I finally learned how to cope with this type of request. I paid the bills directly to the company or handyman doing the work. It was amazing to see how my family responded when I told them I would take care of it. They tried to lay the heaviest guilt number on me. I can still hear their muttering tones with tinges of disgust: “Nah, man, I’m cool. Forget about it.” This response meant they knew I was on to what they were up to. I had caught them red-handed, committing an act of adult abuse.
It took hundreds of thousands of dollars, far more than the cost of an Ivy League education, to learn this lesson. I can at least attribute it to my mother. It’s true; mothers have a way of making you learn the most important lessons in life.