~”Pt-2 of The Why”- My Painful Existence ~

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Wherever my story takes me, however dark and difficult the theme, there is always some hope and redemption, not because readers like happy endings, but because I am an optimist at heart. I know the sun will rise in the morning, that there is a light at the end of every tunnel.

Michael Morpurgo

I don’t know how to write about this tonight because I am in so much pain for the family that lost their child as I have also. My lost of children go further than one child. I lost Demir from Sickle Cell Anemia at the age of two while serving my country. I lost Audrey on her 21 st birthday and I lost Leander to a life sentence in California while Parris is lost in Maryland. I am fighting the good fight tonight not to lose myself from all this reliving of all these loses. I lost time and talents and the use of so many skills and education. As I press toward this vision to become victorious with the vision of Second Chance Alliance I am overwhelmed with grief from several paradigms within this life I now live. My passion to perform ministry and be an instrument of good for God is a daily fight. The thoughts of not being good enough because of all the blood on my hands from trusting my country and myself. I am rambling I know, It’s because of the pain, please forgive me.

REFLECTIONS OF MY SOUL

When nightmares persist,
and dreams seem too real;
When fear attacks,
and the mask is no longer steel;
When desire seems unquenchable,
and the eyes of others mirror what I truly feel;

REFLECTIONS OF MY SOUL

When life has no meaning, and the world is at a standstill;
When words have nothing to convey,
and laughter is the irony of the day;
and tomorrow’s serenity seem so far away;

REFLECTIONS OF MY SOUL

When music causes my body to sway,
and the expectations of falling in love
encourage me to face another day;
When a welcomed touch
radiate a warmth greater than heat, and a simple hug
brings about an overwhelming feeling of peace;

REFLECTIONS OF MY SOUL

When a child’s anger turns to rage,
and a mother’s tears fall because of pain;
When a father’s absence is provoked by shame,
and a friend’s life stolen by the cruelty of the game;

All you see…is reflections of me…
reflections of my soul.

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A MAN’S FEAR

A man’s fear –
Lives in the center of his existence.
It sharpens and crushes his emotions.
It shelters him from his enemies.
It trashes and destroys his joys.

Powerful as it is,
A man’s fear doesn’t let him live in peaceful awakening…
All the talk,
All the writing,
Won’t save a man from his own fear.
This fear has become
The very source of his life.

Only a man himself
Can cast away this monster out of his house.
It doesn’t matter
How much it is said…
Or the endless time spent in prayer.
The fear of a man
Is as stubborn and instinctive
As the lion’s fury.
It fills him with doubt.
It mocks his pretentious
Sense of stability.

I am a man!
I know what I’m talking about.
I’ve mated with this beast.
It now has become the host
And I, a guest to its domains…

Painful mourning –
Morning shouts –
Child’s sorrows –
Madness of the mind –
Anguish of the soul –
It encompasses all.

It is alive
And capriciously ahead
Of each step a man takes.
Fooling and tearing him apart
Manifesting his weakness
Any time he feels threatened.

A man’s fear
Is so rigidly
Rooted in his spine
That it has no origin
Nor an end.

It is undone,
Baseless, concrete.
It breathes life
But kills him inside.

A man’s fear
Dwells in his mind.

I lost communication with little Aaron and it pains my heart as well that I have a child out there somewhere that doesn’t believe I love him.

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https://blessedaaron08.wordpress.com/2014/06/02/the-why/

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